Dear Abby: I am married to an incarcerated man. As you can imagine, it's been hard on our family. I have two kids with him. I was pregnant with our youngest when he was arrested. According to his mother, since my husband went to prison, I can't do anything right. She yells at me that she has it worse than I do regarding my husband. Her reason is that she's his mother, and nothing can change that, while I can always "throw him away" as a husband. She also resented it when I went to counseling because she wants me to tell her my troubles. When I tried, she'd always turn it back to her problems. She's judgmental and mean. She calls it being "outspoken."
Abby, am I wrong for being upset? Do you think she wants me to divorce her son? I think it was rude and stupid of her to say that to me. I married her son and had children with him. I don't understand why she thinks we are competing. If it's a competition, we're both losing. We both have it bad. Just because she's having a hard time doesn't make whatever I'm going through any less bad, does it? —Convict's Wife in Ohio
Dear Wife: I suspect there is nothing your mother-in-law would like better than for you to divorce her son. If you did, she would have him all to her overbearing self. She thinks you are competing because she is. Stay out of her way as much as possible until your husband's release. Do not confide in her. You have enough to contend with without her stirring the pot, and you can rest assured she will.
Dear Abby: I have been put in a difficult position between my daughter and her husband. My daughter — who has a genius IQ, double college majors, etc. — hasn't worked in a year and a half. Her husband of four years tells her it's putting a strain on him, not only financially, but also in terms of health. His blood pressure is through the roof. He even has bloodshot eyes. He says he thinks she's waiting for him to die so she can live off his investment earnings.
My daughter is picky, and no job seems to be good enough for her. If I interfere, she'll stop talking to me, and she'll know he has talked to me, which will hurt their relationship as well. What can I do? I want her to be a productive person and not take everything for granted. —Grasping at Straws
Dear Grasping: The time has come for you to step back. You can't control your adult daughter. Obviously, she and her husband do not communicate effectively. Because of the stress your son-in-law is under, his fear that she may be trying to pressure him into a coronary should be discussed with a marriage and family therapist. He should be free to talk with anyone he wishes — including you, and possibly a lawyer. If your daughter (the genius) can't accept it, stop allowing her to make it your problem.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
