Dear Abby: My daughter, "Violet," lives about two hours away. She and her mother (my wife) do not get along. Violet was always a rebellious, independent wild child, as well as the source of a lot of family problems. Violet and I also were estranged until we recently reconciled.
Yesterday, she sent me an email inviting me to lunch to celebrate my birthday. When I told my wife about the invitation, she responded, "Do what you want" in a tone and with a facial expression that implied: "Go ahead, but if you do, you'll be sorry."
I have tried to reconcile without success these two women I love. My wife tells me she loves Violet but doesn't like her, although she would like to have a better relationship with her. Violet tells me she blames her mother for her PTSD (her unofficial diagnosis) and wants nothing to do with her.
So do I go to lunch with my daughter and incur the wrath of my wife for what she considers a betrayal, or do I decline the invitation from my daughter and risk alienating her again? —In the Middle in New Jersey
Dear Middle: Your wife is wrong to attempt to use you to punish her troubled daughter. It would benefit all three of you if Violet were properly diagnosed. Before having that birthday lunch, ask your doctor if he or she can give you the name of doctors who specialize in diagnosing and treating PTSD. During the lunch, tell Violet you love her, but this split in the family isn't good for any of you, which is why you are giving her the names of doctors who can help her work through her trauma. An alternative to that might be family counseling for the three of you.
Dear Abby: I reconnected with my high school first love. Unfortunately, both of us were married. His wife died of cancer. I eventually got a divorce. All through this time, we were intimate, spending as much time together as we could (we live in different cities).
It has been eight months since we reconnected, and I'm ready for a relationship. I know he's nowhere near healed or close to ready to be in another relationship. This is the third time in our lives we have been brought together and couldn't be together. I don't know whether to let go or to wait. —One Who Got Away
Dear One: Perhaps the third time will be the charm because you are now both single. While you may have to wait for this man to finish grieving for the wife to whom he was unfaithful, it may be time for an honest conversation about your feelings for him and whether he's on the same page. It is important you both figure out whether this is the real thing or just another attempt to resurrect a teenage romance.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
