How many times have you found yourself listening to the same old story from one of your friends? Or from yourself?
Relationships. Health. Finances. The story goes on and on ... yet nothing ever changes. That’s because you’ve become conditioned. You’re tolerating the situation.
Making choices
Whenever something negative happens to you, you have two choices:
- You can tolerate it.
- You can accept it.
These are two very different things. Obviously, there are trade-offs in life. You have to tolerate certain things — in situations where you have no control to change them.
In these cases, it’s healthy to make a decision to accept the situation. And be okay with that. When you stay on the fence is when you make yourself miserable.
On the other hand, if you’re mired in the muck — continuing to complain about a situation over and over when you actually have the ability to do something about it — you’re tolerating the situation.
Rewinding
Why do you keep yourself in situations where you feel stuck? Often, it’s not a conscious thing. In very serious situations, you could be reacting to behaviors that occurred years ago.
For example, if you had a traumatic childhood in which you were neglected or abused, you may feel this is what you deserve. Obviously, some issues rise to the clinical level, and the professional help of a counselor or therapist is needed.
In other situations, there are just ingrained habits that need to be unlearned. Self-worth is at the root of so many issues. And you can’t develop self-confidence if your self-worth is in the cellar.
Speaking up — baby steps
We teach people how to treat us. And maybe you’ve been in a situation so long that it’s hard to take the first step toward change.
It begins by using your voice. It’s probably best to start with some small issues and build your way up to more difficult situations.
If a friend or coworker puts you down or says something that is hurtful, use the opportunity to tell him or her that this is “not okay.â€
That puts them on notice, which can either open a dialogue or cause him or her to pay more attention next time. If neither of these things occur, at least your “resolve muscle†has been strengthened. And it will be easier to speak up the next time.
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This will feel awkward at first — maybe even painful. Over time, though, you build inner trust. Your system (mental, emotional, physical and spiritual) begins to understand that you’re looking out for it. And that leads to more self-confidence.
What are your standards?
“You don’t get what you work for in life. You don’t even get what you’re committed to. You get what you allow into your life.â€
When I heard those words from Jesse Elder of powerlife.com, I was taken aback. He goes on to say that if you find yourself in a situation that is not to your liking — and you’re putting up with it — it’s a demonstration of the level of the standard you’ve set for yourself. Huh?
Elder maintains there’s a direct correlation between your personal standard and the level of tolerance you’re willing to entertain. This creates your quality of life. “People who are willing to put up with the most garbage have the lowest standards,†Elder says.
The Misery Index
The more pain and suffering you endure, the more it’s draining your energy and your life force. And energy is the ultimate currency. Not time. Not money.
How do you feel about the elements in your life — your relationships, your work, your finances, your relationship with yourself? Do you really have to keep putting up with situations that suck the living daylights out of you?
There’s no right or wrong answer, as Elder points out. And no judgment. You always have two choices, as pointed out earlier.
You can choose to accept the situation because of trade-offs involved in the scenario — or situations out of your control. And resolve to be okay with that. Or you can get into action to make a change.
Both decisions are valid. Choosing to tolerate the situation, though — and ruminating over it again and again — is not a healthy choice. Cue the misery index.
Bloom where you are planted
Consider the connection between your tolerance and standard levels. Once you know that something isn’t right for you — or is right for you — it doesn’t matter that anyone else knows or not.
“Suffering more doesn’t make it any better. It only gives you more practice,†says Elder. “Raise your standard. Lower your tolerances. And then just watch.
“Watch as your capacity to experience more joy and fulfillment expands. Then that capacity expands. And the better it gets, the better it can get.â€
You’ll know when you know. Author Anais Nin describes this perfectly. “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom.â€
