One Month at a Time: The 'Dry January' search for suitable alternatives

The non-alcoholic beer company, O’Doul’s, had a truck parked just a few yards inside the front gate. A friendly and eager representative of that company was handing out little cups of their beer.

Free samples.

My spouse at the time had pointed it out and said something like, “Hey, you like beer.�

However, she did not like beer. She did not like it all and didn’t like that I liked it. She’d been (mostly) a teetotaler, while I wanted to have the occasional six-pack in the fridge.

This caused some friction and maybe she hoped the non-alcoholic beer would have whatever flavor I liked about the drink, but without the questionable content.

I was curious enough that I went along with it. I grabbed a cup, thanked the man, took a swig and spat the foul-tasting stuff out onto the ground in front of his feet.

The rest of the cup and everything in it went into the nearest trashcan.

And that was the last time I tried non-alcoholic beer, unless you count diet root beer.

While spending some time without my usual vices (caffeine and alcohol), I went in search of alternatives. There were plenty of caffeine-free options for my coffee. I came to appreciate the flavor of a good decaf and it didn’t make me feel anxious.

Herbal teas don’t taste like much unless you add sweetener, but they at least smell nice.

There are also plenty of caffeine-free sodas, seltzers and just plain old tap water, if I was willing to give that a try.

None of these did much to keep me from trudging into my daily mind fog, however.

I did look for caffeine alternatives, other kinds of stimulants, but the only legal alternative was something containing ginseng.

Ginseng is apparently used in some energy drinks. It’s said to enhance caffeine, but I couldn’t find anything at the grocery store that just contained ginseng.

I had some luck finding alcohol substitutes.

I managed to rustle up a small variety of alcohol-free beers and ales at the Wine & Cheese Shop at the Capitol Market. All of them are made by the Athletic or Untitled Art breweries, and they look about the same as any other craft beer.

They also cost the same, which is funny to me.

Over the next few days, I tried them after I got home from work. They weren’t bad, except for the lite beer non-alcoholic, which tasted just like a standard lite beer.

Lite beers are awful, and this one was no different.

But all of them tasted pretty close to whatever regular beer they were supposed to be the alternate to.

I could see how someone might order one of these at a bar or club, if they were with friends, if they just wanted to fit in, if they wanted to make sure that their breath was every bit as sour and stale as everyone else’s in the room.

But I had a hard time imagining drinking these for fun.

This wasn’t something to have if you were looking to unwind or maybe celebrate an afternoon-long confrontation with your lawn.

And then I got a random email from a company that makes alcohol-alternative beverages using hemp. These are drinks made with DH-8 and DH-9.

While I have tried a few things with CBD, I can’t say for sure whether the gummies I ate worked because they actually did something to me or if they worked because I wanted them to work.

These drinks made with DH-8 and DH-9 are supposed to “bring on mild euphoria, relaxation, and a general sense of well-being.�

That sounded delightful. While I’d been staying away from alcohol as a way to help relax after a trying day, the trying days continue.

I have a lot of worries.

My house needs a new roof and gutters. Over the past couple of weeks, the gutters have spilled over, frozen solid and then pulled away from the house.

Money is tight, and there is also my big, stupid mouth.

Back in December, I’d gone in for a long-overdue dental checkup.

It got expensive fast.

Among other things, x-rays revealed that a wisdom tooth that should’ve come out decades ago, really needed to come out soon. There was a big cavity, and it made more sense to pull it than try to fix it.

“You don’t even need it,� my dentist told me. “It’s just a trap for food.�

And the tooth doesn’t have a match. The corresponding wisdom tooth never came in.

The dentist promised me I wouldn’t really miss it, but the other tooth that needed to come out, I would. It was one of my front teeth.

The tooth looked fine, but the root had withered away. The tooth wiggled.

“It’s just hanging on a string,� she said.

From what my dentist gathered, at some point over the past however many years, I got hit in the mouth.

“Were you in a fight?� she asked.

No, I told her. I don’t go and get into fights.

“Maybe a car accident,� she offered. “You could have hit your face on the steering wheel — or maybe you were holding a baby on your lap and it bounced up and hit you in mouth. That could happen.�

I couldn’t think of anything where I’d traumatized my teeth, though it could have happened anytime. I’ve been a busy guy the last decade or so.

Maybe I got hurt when I was doing self-defense classes. It could have happened during jiu-jitsu or even maybe training for that Spartan race six years ago.

I could have also just fallen face first on the street, dusted myself off and just never noticed.

A million things could have happened — and what happened doesn’t matter so much, I guess, because it all leads to the same conclusion.

My dentist recommended extraction. I could get an implant and replace the tooth.

Aside from the horror of having to look at a gap in my smile for some indeterminate amount of time, I was suddenly facing yet another steep bill.

I really could’ve used a drink, but “mild euphoria, relaxation, and a general sense of well-being� sounded pretty good, too.

So, I told the company I’d be happy to try some samples, if they were willing to send them.