Kicking and screaming (sort of), among the last of the holdouts, we bought the boy a smartphone. Â
Some of his friends were getting iPhones, or the Android equivalent, as early as fourth grade. When that started happening, I made a declaration that my son would not have phone until the eighth grade. Or maybe I said he had to be 13. I probably went back and forth between the two.Â
Everyone parents differently, and every kid deals with new freedoms or responsibilities differently, so I tried not to judge others who gave their kids a computer with internet access that fits in a pocket that early. Honestly, for me, it wasn't so much about what the boy might be able to find online, even by accident (not to say that wasn't a big concern) but whether he could look after an expensive device and not spend all day on it. That second part isn't just on the kid, and I know I didn't want to introduce the dynamic of me presumably having to tell him to not spend so much time staring at a screen into our lives at such an early age.Â
I started to feel bad, though, when he began making some (arguably well-constructed and detailed) faux smartphones out of cardboard and photos of screens he'd print out. I don't think he was doing it out of protest. But picturing him walking around with a homemade, inoperable phone while some of his friends had real ones made me feel like a deadbeat for whatever reason. My wife and I would laugh about it sometimes, really at ourselves. We felt a hint of shame, like we were the parents who didn't get their kid the cool shoes or the right brand of clothing (a very 1980s thing that I'm sure still perpetuates itself in many forms). And here the poor guy is making the thing he can't have out of cardboard.Â
A funny thing about that is a few of his classmates actually asked him how he made them, and he ended up showing them. He even made a few for some of his friends, which was kind of endearing and weird at the same time.Â
Eventually, my wife had the idea of getting him a prop iPhone ($14 on Amazon at the time). He carried that thing around everywhere he went for a while, though now a bit more socially aware, he didn't pull it out in front of older friends or anyone who might have a real phone.Â
He kind of forgot about it for a while, but then, a few months ago, one of his best friends got a phone. Soon after, several more friends and classmates got phones for birthdays or as a gift for completing the fifth grade. My wife and I were starting to feel our hand being forced. After all, he's going into middle school and will have activities that don't involve our constant presence. He's going to need a way to get a hold of us. We're going to need a way to reach him.Â
To be honest, my wife realized it was time a while ago, but I was still holding out. Maybe just a watch that he can use to call or text would be enough? But as we started looking into things, I realized my wife was right, and it made more sense just to get the phone.Â
It was presented to him on his birthday. He didn't expect it at all and nearly lost his mind. I don't think I've ever been hugged that hard in my life.Â
Still, there were a lot of rules we had to lay down. I've never owned a firearm, but it almost felt like handing a 12-year-old a smartphone was just as dangerous and came with even more conditions.Â
Of course, there are a lot of things you can do to control what features your child can access, how much time they can spend on the thing, etc. You can essentially lock it down so all it does is make and receive phone calls and texts -- and even then, only from approved contacts. That set my mind at ease a bit.Â
Then, I started getting the texts. And calls. And FaceTime requests. Turned out, I was logged into my account on both his phone and mine. Apparently, the guy who set everything up thought I'd want to see every call and text my son sent or received. And that landed me on a group chain involving almost everyone in his class.Â
Dear lord.
I understand why that feature exists, but I've never disabled something designed for mine or a loved one's protection so fast in my life. If that sounds like the wrong move, you've never been spammed with FaceTime calls from a group of soon-to-be middle-schoolers and then gotten a notification for every text as they told each other to stop and argued back and forth about it. Yikes.Â
Anyway, parents should be concerned about screen time, and they should probably only get devices for their kids when the kids are ready and it becomes a practical necessity. And that point might arrive sooner than you think -- or want it to. But, come to think of it, what else is new?Â