As I tend to point out every year around this time, I'm not one for making steadfast New Year's resolutions. But, now that the bar of expectations for human behavior is so low, I thought I'd at least list some things that I'd like to accomplish within the next year. 

  • Do laundry: Like every American, my only source of information regarding the outside world comes from billionaires with podcasts or their own social media platforms. As such, I thought one was supposed to just wear the same clothes until they got a little ripe, then burn them and buy more. Apparently, clothes can be washed in something called a "washing machine," which I assume was invented by Elon Musk. I mean, it must've been him or someone in his orbit. Why else would the process require separating colors?
  • Lose an unhealthy amount of weight: Though I am definitely not in peak physical condition, I have yet to be prescribed an injectable weight-loss drug. There are all kinds of people who use these new medications responsibly. Good for them, but that doesn't help me. Fortunately, there are also a lot of folks who railed against the COVID vaccine but, when told they could be skinny, are pumping needles into their stomachs without a second thought. A few are also giving the excess to their friends to use as a "micro-dose." And don't forget the knock-offs coming in from overseas. Seems incredibly risky and irresponsible. I'm in. 
  • Get measles: I'm actually not so crazy about this one, but — just taking a look around — the odds are going up substantially. Might as well strike a line through it on this list and claim victory when it happens. 
  • Go viral then pull a cryptocurrency pump-and-dump scam: Hey, Hawk Tuah girl, hold my beer. If none of those words made any sense to you, I'm so jealous. Stay the way you are, you precious unicorn.
  • Ruin "six-seven" for my kid and his friends: Simply writing this in a product that is still printed and distributed in a physical form should do the trick.
  • Learn the English language: I've been doing this purely phonetically — with the help of spell-check — for going on 27 years. I have no idea what any of it actually means. For some of you, this revelation no doubt explains a lot. 
  • Root for America: I thought I was already doing this, but, in an op-ed from Paul Dorsey this week, he wrote he hopes Democrats will start rooting for America in 2026. I guess some of us just weren't doing it overtly enough. So, this is for you, Paul: U-S-A! U-S-A!
  • Become an "alpha male": Sorry, sorry. I can't stop laughing.  
  • Facepalm later: When I realize I had some better stuff for this that I didn't use. Trust me, that'll happen. Resolution kept. 
  • Never take myself too seriously: Check. 

Ben Fields is the Gazette-Mail opinion editor. Reach him at 304-348-5129 or ben.fields@hdmediallc.com. Follow @benfields5.bsky.social on Bluesky or @BenFieldsWV on X.